


As We Are

by Katuary



Series: Choice and Chance [10]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Dancing in the Rain, Early Relationship, F/M, Lyrium Withdrawal, Unplanned Serious Conversations, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24139378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katuary/pseuds/Katuary
Summary: “Rain, snow, dirt, sand, storms, fresh air. All things she still treasured years after escaping the Circle, and even more dearly after she stopped living as a fugitive apostate.”It is very rare that Evelyn has the chance to enjoy the little things in life. A rain storm is the perfect excuse for a break. And some overdue conversations.
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Female Trevelyan, Female Mage Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford
Series: Choice and Chance [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1445449
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	As We Are

Fat raindrops splashed against the closed windowpanes. Grumbles of thunder interrupted the sporadic scratching of her quill. Flashes of lightning shamed both the guttering candles on her desk and the fading embers in her fireplace. 

Evelyn couldn't concentrate.

That was nothing new, of course, but the storm added a new dimension. A room of her own was lovely, but Evelyn rarely enjoyed being inside. She propped the doors and windows open whenever she had to be in her quarters more than a moment, but couldn't do so now; the weather would ruin the plans she was reviewing. Apparently, even the garden needed her approval. An Inquisitor's work was never done.

But the _rain_.

She looked wistfully out the window, quill bobbing absently between her fingers and scattering speckles of ink across her desk. The fresh air, the energy of the storm, all of it drove her nearly mad with the desire to sprint outside and drink it all in.

Her heart swelled. She could. She could do just that.

Grin on her lips, she securely stoppered her ink and haphazardly laced her boots. She was careful to slip outside through the tiniest crack possible when she opened the door, and positively beamed when the first drop kissed her upturned palm.

Rain, snow, dirt, sand, storms, _fresh air._ All things she still treasured years after escaping the Circle, and even more dearly after years living as a fugitive apostate.

Best of all, here, at the highest point of Skyhold, next to no one could watch her. She laughed and skimmed her foot over a shallow puddle, spun in a slow circle and tipped her head back to feel the water on her face, released tiny bursts of magic to meet the drops and turn them to ice or steam at her fingertips.

Perhaps she should have remained productive and practiced the footwork Josephine had shown her that morning instead. Perhaps venturing outside in the first place was foolish when she had work to do. Or perhaps she didn't need to justify enjoying a slice of silliness in the midst of a world-menacing threat.

She had no idea how long she danced outside, heedless of the rivulets dripping from her choppy hair into her eyes and utterly soaked to the bone. It was only when she flopped inelegantly to the ground to lie down that she noticed Cullen standing just inside the closed door, watching her through the window with a soft smile.

Had he said something about visiting earlier? She hoped he hadn’t been waiting long.

Evelyn smiled sheepishly and rose inelegantly to her feet. She shook as much water from her saturated hair as possible and angled herself inside the door. Somehow, the room already smelled different than she’d left it. Perhaps just fresh air from the storm.

”Sorry,” she apologized quickly, “I must not have heard you knock.”

His smile broadened, “Clearly you were otherwise occupied.”

”We're returning to the Western Approach soon,” she explained lightly, kneeling to unlace her boots, “See if Blackwall can find the source of the darkspawn around the fort. I’m _never_ taking rain for granted again.”

There was a moment of mutual hesitation when she stood, leaving them both quiet and pink-cheeked. This was the first he’d visited her in her quarters since their kiss mere days ago. New ground she had no clue how to handle.

Intimacy in the Circle, what little Evelyn had experienced of it, had been different. The physical was the first consideration, all many could afford, and, in Ostwick, technically forbidden. Any emotions were carefully considered and largely hidden. It was a habit many of the Circle mages carried even after becoming apostates.

Everything between her and Cullen was the opposite. Softer. Gentle. Like the courting nobility she’d read about in fairy tales and romances. Like she still possessed a noble title, though she knew names didn’t matter.

There was much less uncertainty in tales. Her mind always thrummed faster than she could keep pace when he was with her. More so when they were alone. Her hesitancy had cost her relationships before, after all. Who was to say her timidity wouldn’t put him off?

Unsurprisingly, he made the first move. His teasing smile softened again as he brushed his fingers across her cheek, tucking a dripping strand of hair behind her ear and chuckling.

”You’re soaked through,” he murmured, “Aren’t you cold?”

Of course she wasn’t. Not when she was blushing hard enough to feel in her scalp. 

“I’m all right. I can warm myself up.” 

That half smile again, affectionate and sweet. The one that had set her heart racing for months before she’d acted. 

“I’m sure you can,” he said, “But I did bring tea. In case you have a change of heart.”

 _That_ was the smell. She grinned. “I suppose I could be convinced.”

Clearly, he’d watched her foolishness a while before approaching the window. The tea was already brewed and waiting, set on the cart near the ebbing fireplace. He had also already removed his cloak and armor, piling everything neatly on her bed. 

Cullen had removed it during his last visit as well, though he remained fully equipped nearly everywhere else. It couldn’t possibly be comfortable. Evelyn felt skin-crawlingly confined when she wore armored robes on missions, and her shoulders always ached from the extra weight after. She couldn’t imagine wearing it at a desk most of the day. Nearly ten years as a templar must have accustomed him to the burden. She was glad he trusted her enough to lay it down when they were alone.

She folded her legs beneath her on the rug, noting with some annoyance that she hadn’t ultimately remembered to take her boots _off_ , and accepted a cup from Cullen as he joined her. Evelyn inhaled deeply. 

“Peppermint?”

“I hope that’s all right. I wasn’t sure what you liked.”

”Little bit of everything. I’m not particularly choosy.” She reddened. “Not that there’s anything _wrong_ with this, of course. I...” 

_Maker_ , she was bad at this.

She smiled apologetically and took a sip before she could ramble any further. “What I _meant_ to say was ‘thank you.’”

The corners of his eyes crinkled as he chuckled. “You’re welcome.”

She shivered and he frowned. “You’re certain you’re warm enough?”

“Oh, it’s what I deserve for playing in the rain,” Evelyn shrugged, “Mother Gena always said that was the fastest way to get sick.” Why she had felt the need to give that particular lecture to a room full of apprentices forbidden to leave the Tower was beyond her. Perhaps it had been a roundabout way of discouraging them from practicing freezing spells in the hallways.

“Cullen? What are you doing?”

He crossed the room and returned before she could ask twice. Warm fabric cascaded down her shoulders as he sat back down, and she realized what it was when the fur mantle tickled her nose. The light sprinkling of rain on the collar enriched its usual earthy scent, relaxing her instantly. Evelyn smiled and snuggled into the lining. She would have protested the attention, but it was rather nice to be fussed over for a change. 

She eased closer to him, enough that their hands nearly touched on the rug. Warmth radiated from her stomach when he tentatively covered her hand with his own. Evelyn took the gesture as invitation to shift closer, resting her head on his shoulder and hoping her hair didn’t soak his shirt. It felt so blessedly natural, she could temporarily forget her overthinking. 

Several minutes passed, broken only by their slow breaths and occasional sips of tea, before he spoke again, “When do you leave for the Approach?”

Her nose wrinkled, “Soon. Unfortunately. I wish we would have gotten everything resolved straight after Adamant, but...” Who was she kidding? She would have been worse than useless without the chance to clear her head.

She realized she hadn’t exactly answered his question and shrugged. “Probably in a day or so. We’re still waiting on Scout Harding’s report from Emprise du Lion. And more red templar activity in the Emerald Graves before that...” Maker, she wanted to crawl under her covers and hibernate just thinking about it.

“Evelyn?”

She tilted her head to the side to see Cullen’s brow furrowed in concern. She’d worried him. She tried a reassuring smile and gently squeezed his hand.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t complain.”

That merely deepened his frown. ”You’re exhausted. No one can blame you.”

”Exhausted is...” She shrugged, “It’s part of the role.” She huffed a tiny laugh. “Funny thing is, I always wanted to travel. I should see it as a granted wish.”

”Dashing around all of Thedas closing rifts and chasing cults isn’t exactly a vacation.”

”No. But we’re doing good work. More than I ever had the opportunity to do in the Circle. It will be over eventually.” One way or another. Whether she lived to see the fruits of their labor remained to be seen. Surviving Haven had been a miracle, and the closest Evelyn had come to believing Andraste watched over her. Every subsequent battle and skirmish felt like pressing her luck. She was overdue to run out.

Evelyn attempted to ignore her unpleasant trail of thought by shifting closer to Cullen. Grounding herself in the moment. She was here now, warming steadily despite the dying fire. She was tempted to summon a wisp to replace the fading light, but did her best to ignore the impulse. Cullen’s arm gently winding around her shoulders made putting such thoughts aside much easier. It provided something simple to focus on. She was cold, he was warm.

 _Too_ warm. She frowned and pulled back slightly. The comforting weight of his arm immediately disappeared.

”Are you feeling all right?” she asked, carefully scanning his face. How had she not noticed the flush in his cheeks when she came inside?

”What? I’m...it’s fine.”

”You’re warm...feverish.” And here she was, blithely ignoring all the signs. Maker, no wonder she’d nearly failed her Creation courses. A fresh _apprentice_ would have done better.

Words tumbled from her mouth, uncontrolled and apologetic, “Was that why you came here? I’m sorry, I should have realized. I could help again?”

”I came here to see you,” he protested, “not to...take advantage. You have little enough time for yourself.”

”And I don’t want you to spend that time miserable.” She set her cup to the side and lay her hand between them on her knee, palm up. “I’m offering. If it helps.”

He smiled, lacing his fingers through hers rather than directing where he hurt. ”You sound like Cole.”

There were far worse things to be compared to than a Spirit of Compassion. The corner of her mouth quirked up briefly, “Thank you.” 

She waited for him to speak again, resting her other hand lightly over their twined fingers. He had given her his answer. Whether he also provided a reason was his choice. 

"It's..." He sighed, "I don't want everything to revolve around _this_ when we're together. Waiting for something to go wrong. I..." He paused on a frustrated exhale, expression radiating shame when his eyes met hers again. "I...suppose that doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't need to," she answered softly, "It's not my decision.” She impulsively rose on her knees to kiss the corner of his mouth. He turned his head to meet her, and the kiss he returned was achingly sweet. 

There were so many times she had wished she could comfort him. That she could now, unreservedly, was a gift she couldn’t have imagined existing mere weeks before.

The guilt in his eyes had disappeared when she pulled back, and she couldn’t help returning his soft smile. 

“You will...tell me if you do want my help though?” 

He wound his arm about her waist and rested his head against hers. ”Of course.”

Her pulse jumped giddily at the renewed embrace. _This_ was what she wanted. Taking their time without the fear of being punished for it. Peace and quiet moments alone together. Few and far between, but all the more precious when they could steal them.

“Is this all right?”

“Mhm.” Her eyes fluttered shut on a peaceful smile, “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I can feel your heart racing. I’m not...am I doing anything to make you nervous?”

“Good nervous, perhaps.” Her cheeks warmed and she laughed softly, laying a hand over his on her side. “I don’t know much, but I believe it’s normal to feel that way around people you care for.”

”I know. It’s only...we haven’t discussed how my history as a templar might...affect you.”

This was more serious than she had intuited. She frowned, but her voice remained gentle, “What do you mean?”

”I know the Circles weren’t the most...pleasant places to grow up.” She hummed in agreement, moving nearer to him without thought and opening her eyes. He continued, “And you’ve been running from the Order for years.”

Evelyn didn't want to remember those days. Constant pursuit, knowing she would lose her mind or life were she caught. Had she met Cullen a year before, one of them may very well have killed the other. She shook her head,

“That wasn’t you.”

”It could have been.”

“But it wasn’t,” she insisted, “And it won’t be.”

He laughed weakly. ”You make it sound simple.”  
  
Truthfully, it _wasn’t_ an entirely simple answer. Admittedly, her comfort was made easier because he was unable to use templar abilities without lyrium. He couldn’t hurt her worse than any other soldier, even if he wanted to. 

She would never voice such a thought. It would undermine both how he viewed her trust in him and her support for no longer taking lyrium. 

Was it easier because he’d left the Order? Yes. Would she trust him the same if he hadn’t? Yes. For the same reasons she trusted him now.

”You know you made mistakes,” she explained softly, “You know the Circle made mistakes. The Chantry. But you’re trying to atone. To change things for the better.” She hesitated, trying to find the right words to finish her thought, “We’ve all done things we regret. The past happened, and we can’t undo it. What matters to me is using that pain to move forward. Not wasting the chance to grow from it.”

“If you had seen the way I acted in Kirkwall. The things I said—“

“You haven’t done anything I can’t forgive. There were templars who took advantage of the power they held. That _wasn’t_ you. You were trying to protect people.”

Cullen shifted uneasily at her side, “How could you know that?”

”I...asked Varric,” she admitted, “After I found out you both lived in Kirkwall. And Hawke talked to me after she first came to Skyhold. She...” Evelyn winced, glad he couldn’t see her face, “She didn’t hold back.” 

“She does have a protective streak.” He sighed, “We were never exactly friends.”

”I’d imagine not.” Not when they had been at opposite ends of nearly every problem in the city at the time. “I doubt you would have been willing to spend so much time with me if you still thought that way.” 

Her voice had taken an unintended melancholy turn. That part had stung deepest when Hawke told her...words she couldn’t imagine the Cullen she knew ever saying. _Mages cannot be treated like people._

“You’re right,” Cullen admitted quietly, “The way I saw mages...I’m not sure I would have cared about you, and the thought of that sickens me.”

Evelyn swallowed past the lump in her throat, ”You were scared. And hurt. And no one was trying to help you.”

”That’s a poor excuse.” His thumb ghosted against her ribs, “I’m sorry. I wish I’d never thought that way. No, that isn’t enough. It...” He paused, “The Inquisition is my chance to atone. I _will_ see it through.”

“I know you will.”

She burrowed further into his side, watching the embers of her fire wink out one by one. That was all right. The dark was more tolerable when she wasn’t alone...if only just so. 

Her magic was still there. She just wasn't using it. She was _choosing_ not to use it.

She sighed and smiled faintly as his arm tightened comfortingly around her. One thing at a time.

**Author's Note:**

> You know you’ve played too much DA when you write “what are you doing?” and automatically fill in “putting out milk...I miss having a cat around”.
> 
> I swear, this started out as a generic cutesy cuddling one shot. Then they started talking and, well...
> 
> There is...a lot I wanted to stick in this story. Which might have something to do with why I was editing for 2+ months. Never sat well with me that there wasn’t much on a mage Trevelyan’s side to do with how they were treated in the Circle, especially in a Cullen romance. They both have past traumas to heal from, but you can only address one of them.
> 
> And for my Trevelyan specifically, she's _awful_ at talking about those things. She has had a lifetime of hiding discomfort to protect herself and that will not be an easy habit to break.
> 
> Someone commented on one of these fics that “Try Not to Breathe” by R.E.M. is a good relationship song for Cullen/Inquisitor (thanks, Naga!) This story shows how the “trying not to worry the other person” thing _definitely_ goes both ways for these two.
> 
> Update: Wanted to share this gorgeous couple commission from [@CaptainSavvy](https://twitter.com/CaptainSavvy)! This particular commission was actually the spark for the beginnings of this story (the cozy fluffy bit of it, obviously), so I wanted to make sure and give credit where credit's due! :)  
> 


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